Against All Odds - Miraculously Overcoming Mind-Blowing Statistics in Our Marriage!
I’m not one for believing that just because you can relate to a statistic you are doomed to it! However, the info can be used as a tool of knowledge, to point out where some possible traps may occur upon the horizon; and learn what you need to do in order to avoid them. I found my husband, David my freshman year of high school. Basically, growing up together and transitioning into adulthood was like a teenage-hormonal roller coaster with amazing ups and low downs. We definitely have learned through trial and error but marrying my high school sweet-heart, the man I am privileged to now call my husband, was a choice I did not get wrong! I know now, more than ever before, we were divinely appointed to be together. He is strong where I am weak and where he is weak, I am strong. Our marriage is not perfect, but a work in progress and over the course of 17 years together (7 ½ years married), a lot of progress has been made.
As I was doing research for one of my projects, I came across some mind-blowing statistics on divorce rates for marriages with certain challenges. After viewing some of these statistics, I realized that could have been us! Yet, somehow miraculously, my marriage today has withstood odds that were stacked against us! Upon trial after trial overcoming; we thankfully have not become another statistic! I certainly am not proclaiming that we have made it to a place where we are invincible and will never fall. It only takes one step to fall into temptation (whether it is unfaithfulness, worry, gossip, jealousy, abusing alcohol, drugs, etc.) and no one is exempt! It is only by the grace of God, that we have a marriage full of love and hope. It’s evident with these statistics, that God has done a work in us! So what are these mind-blowing statistics? Well, take a look for yourself...
According to Tara Parker-Pope, (author of For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage), if you're a married American, your marriage is between 40 and 50 percent likely to end in divorce. Well, this right here puts quite a few of us in the same boat (considering there are 123.6 million Americans who are married)! After peaking at 50 percent in the 1980s, the national divorce rate has dropped steadily and each generation’s marriages seem to become a little more resilient; but in the public's mind, that outdated "half of all marriages" figure still sticks, says Tara.
The likelihood my husband will bring up his diagnosis of Adult ADHD is slim; yet this discovery 3 years ago significantly helped our marriage! Yes, I said 'helped' because after learning about ADHD myself, so many things suddenly made sense about our relationship! Finally, we both had answers to our own questions; we knew how we could jump over some of the hurdles and had a plan! ADHD is not just when you have “too much energy” or “can’t sit still”. For people with ADHD, the responsibilities of adulthood like bills, jobs, and children, (to name a few) can make problems with organization more obvious and more problematic than in childhood. Often, the partners of people with undiagnosed ADHD take poor listening skills and an inability to honor commitments as a sign that their partner doesn’t care. If you’re the person with ADHD, you may not understand why your spouse is upset, and you may feel you’re being nagged or blamed for something that you don’t even remember. A person with ADHD may also find it difficult to relax or may often feel restless. ADHD often leads to problems with controlling emotions. Many people with adult ADHD are quick to explode over minor problems. Often, they feel as if they have no control over their emotions. Many times, their anger fades as quickly as it flared, long before the people who dealt with the outburst even knew what hit them! Other symptoms with ADHD are impulsivity, forgetfulness, troubles communicating, interrupting or waiting their turn, and issues prioritizing. These symptoms, if ignored (or ADHD is undiagnosed) can take a toll on a marriage. It’s no wonder the statistic divorce rate is nearly twice as high for people with ADHD (which affects roughly 4 percent of adults) as it is for other couples, says marriage consultant Melissa Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. Additionally, a study by Wymbs and Pelham (J Consult Clin Psychol. 2008 October; 76(5): 735-744) examined divorce rates and predictors among parents of youth with ADHD. The divorce rate among parents of kids with ADHD was nearly twice that of couples in the general population. With that said, ADHD does not have to control your life; there are many different treatments and options for you to be in control. If you think you may have ADD/ADHD, I believe the worst thing you can do, is ignore it. Look into your options and choose the best fit for you. The key take away here is, there are ways to still live a high-quality life and have a successful marriage!
Separately, another statistic shows, If both husband and wife come from households, where parents were divorced, (which both ours were), statistically the percentage of you getting a divorce, climbs to an astounding 200 percent, than if they weren't. If your parents remarried after divorcing (again, both of ours are), statistically you're 91 percent more likely to get divorced. This could be because witnessing our parents' divorces reinforces uncertainty about commitment. I’d be lying if the divorces from our parents didn’t affect us (in more ways than one). Reality is that in the beginning it was rough! It created new insecurities that weren’t there before. In this situation, the best thing we’ve done for our marriage, is acknowledging those insecurities, being there for one another, working through them, and giving each other grace. (Source: Professor Nicholas Wolfinger of the University of Utah; Understanding the Divorce Cycle, Cambridge University Press, 2005) If that wasn't enough, you can look at parenting; which can be challenging all in itself. However, when you consider parenting a child who may have additional or special needs, the responsibility is greater and it can increase the stress in a marriage. Let it first be said, in no circumstance, is it ever any child's responsibility for a marriage dissolving and no parent intentionally enters a marriage thinking it will result in divorce. Unfortunately, statistics state that between 80% and 90% of couples who have a child with special needs, end in divorce. There are so many things that intensify when parenting a child with additional needs and can magnify what strengths and weaknesses you already have. From the extra financial demands of therapies, doctor appointments, specialists, classes, training's, extra steps to prepare your child for living independently or the additional cost if your child will need care support long term. When you are spending so much of your time, heavily involved in communications and meetings with the schools, all your child's appointments, implementing the therapies at home or the extensive time it takes to get simple homework done, etc. etc.; the lack of time for everything else like your spouse (not including, if you have any other children, keeping up with normal domestic responsibilities, or managing your household, your social life...If you even have one anymore!) can easily become off balance. We haven't even mentioned the emotional toll or physical exhaustion it may take on the each of you. Each partner may also handle this situation in their own way and if they are not prepared on how to work through these things, it can cause significant stress on the marriage.
My daughter has been diagnosed with an intellectual disability, sensory-neuro hearing loss, and a communication disorder. Although, we certainly have our rough days, she brings so much joy to our world. Most of the time my husband and I will look at each other when we are getting frustrated with something, that we wished she had already learned, we roll our eyes and laugh. In those moments that we don't do that, take comfort in knowing that we both understand the dynamic and can lean on each other. I believe, Marshak, from Daily Life said it well, "It's more difficult than it otherwise would have been [parenting a child with special needs], and not everyone is prepared to deal with that. But it doesn’t have to be a death blow to a marriage, she said."
…So what’s my secret to overcoming these statistics? Well, I certainly would not call myself an expert on the matter and I am definitely not a professional marriage counselor. We really are a constant work in progress! However, if there is something I have learned and can take away from my experience it’s that,
First and foremost, my marriage MUST be a relationship involving not just him and me, but a relationship between three…my husband, myself, and God. On the really rough days, in the midst of some (and notably, “temporary”) seasons, I have to remind myself, I determined in my heart that the commitment and covenant I entered into, is what I truly desire to honor more than whatever temporary feelings I have (which may be telling me otherwise). I choose to lead my heart because the heart can be deceived. Love is not just a feeling, it is an action and there are lots of actions to make a beautiful, unconditional, strong, lasting love (i.e. forgiveness, learning what’s important to your spouse & following through, listening, sharing responsibilities, always improving yourself {not trying to change your spouse}, etc.). This is where God honors our marriage covenant that He is also a part of.
…Oh! Also, it really helps to have a great man by your side!
I’m sure you can find statistics (and excuses) just about anywhere. At the end of the day, take hold of the reigns of your life. The decisions you choose to make are your responsibility. I hope that this was able to help shed light on possible areas you can strengthen in your own life and encouraged you, that no matter what the odds, you can overcome them!
(Photo Credit: NR Photography)
If you want more information that may help you overcome some of the hurtles above, I’ve listed some resources which may be helpful. Start with the links below and if you have further questions and concerns, seek the care of your doctor.
I Think I have ADHD, What should I do? Managing Adult ADHD Parent, Family, Friend, and Professional Support Group of Children with Special Needs Special Needs Parent Resource Hub
About the Author: Christina Rauschert is living an on purpose life & fulfilling her dreams - Wife and special needs mommy of two, woman of faith, special needs advocate, and founder of the Limitless Ability Organization. She loves spending quality time with her family, has a passion for educating and advocating for the special needs community, exploring cultures through food and travel; and creating memories through fun experiences.
